Archive for the Living with a Vengeance

In last month’s newsletter the article was called Divorcing Drama and it must have struck a nerve because I got lots of email from women who said “thanks, I needed that.”

Drama is everywhere and somehow we came to believe it’s “just a part of life.” Or is it? For some it’s not only a part of life it’s life’s blood, it’s breathing, food, sustenance. The main point in the article is that midlife is a time when what no longer serves us needs to be let go. Letting go is hard sometimes especially when the payoff–negative or positive–is one we have come to rely on. Think about a cigarette’s effects. It’s not just the nicotine that smoker’s come to the habit for. There is the social aspect, the physical inhaling–that’s a deep breathing exercise in disguise if I ever saw one, the pavlovian stimulus/response conditioning.

Drama can be the same. When we create it–and it’s often within our merlin’s bag of tricks–on a regular basis we get paid in attention, bragging rights, a flood of stress hormones which give us a boost, and a pity party if we are in victim mode.

Maybe you feel I’m being a bit harsh. Let’s pose a few scenarios and see if you change your mind.

Mary puts off paying her sales tax which were due 6 months ago. She looks at the bill every day or so, has the money but doesn’t want to spend it, says “I keep forgetting” when telling her friend how she MUST pay her sales tax. Suddenly, (not) she gets a letter from the IRS saying she owes a 25% penalty which is accruing with interest every day she delays paying. now she has to cough up another $400 which she feels is unfair. Is it or is it drama creation?

Gina has an old car, it’s really old and it has a few problems. She belongs to the duct tape school of repairs and rather than taking the car in for a major–read expensive–repair she “fixes it” herself and worries aloud, “I hope this holds til I get to my sister’s.” She has been saying the same thing for 2 years and finally, about 2/3 of the way to her sister’s, on a major highway with exits spaced 30 miles apart, the car gives up, the engine catches on fire, and she is stranded. Oh, and she never did sign up for AAA even though she “knew” she should. No am I being harsh when I say that some of us are masters at inviting it or can you see how subtly we weave this magic?

We have these blind spots–no one wants to be stranded on the highway of life–that at midlife it’s time to shine a light on. How we do that is by reviewing the things in our lives that make us go, “CRAP” I really ought to do something about this, and then doing that thing you ought to do.

If it’s your health, mental or physical that needs some attention then why not get some information that might help you? Find a new doc, one who listens and practices with alternative as well as western medicine. Get into a mastermind group that works on strengthening self esteem or self care. Perhaps go to an event that’s all about health, what’s new, what’s outside the box but proven safe.

You can stay home and get some great information by joining me for the Midlife Women’s Mind and Body Experts Series. I’ve got 13 experts live on hour long calls throughout the month of September. It’s free and you can sign up here.

It’s not going to cure your life of drama creation but it’s a great place to start learning about how to release it from experts like Dr. Sue Morter and Mary Allen who are masters at releasing techniques and the how of creating something we love vs drama. The other experts–like Dr. Ann Louise Gittleman, Dr. Jonny Bowden, and Dr. Susan Brown are going to help us avoid the drama of lifestyle diseases like obesity, diabetes and cancer. Jan Sinatra is talking to us about women’s heart health measures, Kelley Herring will teach us where hormone damaging chemicals lie in every day life and products and what to substitute. Suzanne Falter Barns is laying bare her soul on spirit guided drama reduction, Jen Louden comforts us with a mini-retreat, Mia Lundin helps us avoid the female brain gone insane syndrome and Amy Ferris, award winning midlife author will help us laugh our way through the drama we do encounter.

Don’t miss out on these wonderful people’s insights and information. Drama is your friend when you are at the top of a high mountain peak cause you trained and climbed it, or on Oprah, or seeing your first book in print. How to get to the good drama? Plan for it, eliminate what might take you away from it like ignoring the gut instincts that tell you to take care of something or show up somewhere.

My friends over at The Three Tomatoes–if you don’t know them take a look, their website and weekly newsletters are full of lifestyle info, products, and resources for us girls who aren’t kids anymore–are holding a fabulous contest that you don’t want to miss.

No purchase is necessary you simply sign up for their newsletter. Trust me whether you live in NYC or not you’ll love this newsletter for the great writing, the online sales they’ve got the private invitations to, and so much more.

Now let me tell you what’s up for grabs. New York City needs no introduction and that’s the setting for this pampered experience. The hotel you’ll be staying at is called The Surrey. It was built in the 1920′s as a residence and when they remodeled recently they hired someone who would honor the elegant history but include modern touches like a roof top bar and a full service spa. Two of you will enjoy one night in a King Deluxe room and you’ll receive two 60 minute spa services.

The contest ends September 22nd at noon and I’d jump on it if you have been wanting to enjoy some time in the city, maybe eat at a fabulous restaurant, see a show, visit a museum.

I recently had drinks in the bar downstairs and let me tell you the place is cool. The service was great and a better cosmo is not to be found.

I entered and wish you all the best of luck with your entry. Hey, if you can’t get to NYC it would be a great gift!

Check it out and do spend some time on the Tomatoes website. They have a radio show called Tomatoes in the Trenches and recently featured my friend Eileen Williams of Feisty Side of Fifty on finding work after 50. She’s the expert on this subject so if you are a job seeker, have a listen.

One of my best friends, Chris Cavanagh, marketing director for a food and wine daily email called Tasting Table, turned 50 in March. Way back before the end of the year–actually it was over a year ago, she decided that she wanted to go somewhere, get out of dodge, take a real vacation to celebrate the auspicious date.

For her 40th we went to South Beach Florida and although it was chilly and gray most of the days we were there it didn’t matter. We were there for maybe 3 days but managed to pack in bike rides, fab dinners, night life of the strangest sort, clubbing, and cocktails by the pool wrapped up in big towels to fend off the wind. A good time was had by all.

When she picked Vegas for her 50th and asked if I was game I said yes without much thought. Then it hit me, we were going to Vegas, sin city, the 24 hour festival of excess and I’m a person who likes to be in bed by 11.

Suffice to say my fears of not having fun in Vegas–as in, been-there-done-that-once-why-go-again?–were ill founded and mostly because we planned things to do outside of the hotel.

I knew that Zappos.com was nearby and that they gave tours. When I sheepishly asked Chris is she’d entertain doing that she jumped at the idea. That was a truly inspirational tour. I highly recommend it if you are ever out that way and have a single customer.

Knowing that I love to hike, she went online and found out we do a combo hiking and rock scrambling with a guide just for us. I’m holding fast to my promise not to say anything nice about our guide Neil cause he’s so busy he can’t get a day off but I’ll tell you the company name if you ask really nicely via email. That’s us acting brave, climbing around on boulders, heart pounding but loving every minute of it.

And one of her long time “must sees” was the Liberace museum. I have a new found admiration for all it took to become the showman he was. His costumes, many of which reside in his museum, sometimes weighed as much as 150 pounds! That’s one of the reasons he drove onto the stage.

Throw in an old boyfriend–hers–and some amazing meals, (Michael Mina’s SeaBlue and American Fish to name a couple) time to walk through casinos and marvel at the size of everything, the gym, the spa, and the laughs–oh and the many nights we managed to resist bed til around 2am or later, and we had the best time ever.

Before I left I was having feelings of guilt for going. I’d be away from my business, I was going without my husband, and on and on. When I let go of that and just allowed myself to play I realized how important it is–again. This taking time out from work, family, whatever it is that comprises our day to day is just as important to our success as nose to the grindstone.

The other important point I took away was the importance of planning. It made all the difference in our experience. We got a good travel deal, we were able to book the things of interest cause we didn’t wait til the last minute and we enjoyed the anticipation. We also left plenty of time to be spontaneous. A perfect combination and one I’m going to implement more in my day to day life.

This last picture is Chris, master sommolier William Scherer of Aureole, and moi at Aureole after our rock adventure. We clean up pretty well don’t we?

A new year means a clean slate, a chapter waiting to be written; this is how I’m feeling right now on the first official work day of this new year. I’ve got a confession about my goals for the new year. The biggest goal I have is to do what I’ve always said I want to do.

First here’s a wee story. I booked a strategy session with an excellent business coach named Shawn Driscoll. (That’s not an affiliate link) My goal was to gain some clarity around what I wanted to do with my business in 2010. Was it more coaching in the weight loss area? Did I want to run more teleseminars around the Mind and Body Tune Up concept? Speak more? And what was my core message? Anyone who stops by this blog knows it’s more midlife health and life information presented in encyclopedia format than a targeted, you-come-here-for-one-thing kind of blog. That’s not a bad thing but I don’t reach as many people as I’d like to because of that.

I expected some of what she and I discovered–such as getting more focused, offering something more compelling than tune up tips to expand my tribe, honing my message, etc. What I was a bit surprised about–but shouldn’t have been cause I’ve known this on some level for a long time–was that I don’t really want to do some of what I’m spending my time doing. I want to be on the stage motivating women to live fully expressed which often begins by helping them do the lifestyle stuff well so they feel up to their dreams.

If I’m not living fully expressed, how in the name of midlife can I inspire others to that end? What’s been holding me back? The fear of being bad at it, of not knowing how much it will take to get as good as I need to be–in other words, fear, fear, and fear.

The profound sadness that I felt knowing I was denying my own dream because I couldn’t see how I’d ever get there was the most surprising thing of all. And it kicked my butt. So did my mastermind group and I know they’ll hunt me down if I try to wiggle out of at least going for this in the biggest way possible.

Now you can hold my feet to the proverbial fire too. I’m outing myself as having played small, hidden my talents, and used all sorts of busy work to keep me from doing the thing I fear and long to do the most–living fully expressed which includes changing people’s lives, not just feeding them information.

To help me stick to what I’ve decided I must do I’ve hired a coach. It’s the only way I can be sure of playing full out and doing it with some direction. If you don’t know where to begin, find someone who has done what you want to do to whether it’s lifestyle change, personal growth, or starting a business.

What’s going to make your 2010 special, different, magnificent and delicious? Join me in making a public commitment by leaving your answer in a comment. Let’s all hold each other to the realization of our dreams. It’s what living midlife with a vengeance is really all about.