Archive for the Women Playing Big

I’m honored to share Diane’s thoughts with you here. Yesterday I introduced Diane by talking about her new novel, The Season of Second Chances and her non-fiction book, The New American Wedding.

A bit about Diane and why I think she’s a great example of the richness midlife can hold.

In 1979, Diane Meier launched her own marketing firm, MEIER, Inc. In the thirty years at the helm, she has set the look and strategy for countless luxury brands and products such as Elizabeth Arden, Neiman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue, and DeBeers.  She married and divorced and built a rich life for herself in New York City and Connecticut.  At an age where she was comfortable and content with her life and not necessarily looking for anything, new opportunities found her.  She remarried to the writer Frank Delaney, decided to write a novel, restored her house, and began an even richer second act to her life.

I asked Diane to share some thoughts on her transition from style maven to book author while trying to figure out how best to communicate her love and commitment in the form of ceremony to the man she was planning to marry. Here is what she wrote:

Authentic Style: Fiction and Non

“Even though I’d thrown parties for our advertising and marketing clients for more than twenty years, when Frank and I were married in 2002, I did what every bride seems to do – I went out and bought every single book and magazine about weddings I could get my hands on. And after thousands of pages and layers of advice, it was clear to me that there was nothing in any of these books designed for us. Frank was not young, nor American, nor new to the game. I was neither blushing nor wasp-waisted.  And the idea of someone ‘giving me away’ was, quite frankly, appalling. I have to admit to feeling a confusing bit of shame. Maybe if there was nothing appropriate for us in any of these books, our getting married in a public celebration wasn’t appropriate either.  Frank would have none of that, I’m delighted now to report, and with no help from any magazine or book, we planned our idea of the perfect wedding –  an American Country Fair  — to welcome him to this country, to rejoice with our community, and to show his European and UK friends just how America celebrates.   It couldn’t have been better.

But the week after the wedding I set out to discover, like the marketer I am, just how out-of-step we were – a middle-aged couple, blending families, cultures and unlimited joy – in not finding coverage in a media category so crowded as to be over-stuffed.  Surely we weren’t the only ones. Instinct and experience told me otherwise.  I began to set up interviews, and a thousand conversations and survey-forms later, I narrowed it to one hundred face-to-face meetings, and then twelve couples, chosen to illustrate what became my first book, The New American Wedding.  Ritual and Style in a Changing Culture.

What I found out was so much more important than anything a Wedding Magazine would ever tell you about ‘trends’.  Because this culture was so quickly evolving – with first time brides and grooms a decade older than couples marrying just a generation ago; because about a third of all weddings were not first-time weddings for one or both of the couple; because the number of brides and grooms over-forty was higher last year than ever before – in history; because we were blending families and races and religions; and perhaps because there was no guidebook – as a nation, we had discovered new and expansive ways to express ourselves in ceremony and celebration.  How marvelous and life-enhancing it was.

And for me, the idea and importance of “authentic style” was truly brought home.  Some of the healthiest and happiest couples I met were those who weren’t driven in any way by trends or status, but by knowing and displaying their own values and ideals. By understanding their own hearts. And by realizing that this important day would be most generously shared if they gave of themselves in a personal example of style and standards their community would find no where else.

Talk about “mid-life with a vengeance” –  there, in my early fifties, emerged a book.  Printed and bound, illustrated and cataloged, and available at your library and Amazon, if not your local bookshop.  Some people made surprising note of the fact that at my age a new frontier could be broached. Were they the same people who seemed amazed that I would fall in love at an ‘advanced’ age?  Not to mention marry? Well, we did them one better. A month ago my first novelwas published as the lead book for Spring from Henry Holt.

The Season of Second Chances is about a middle-aged woman, an ivy-league college professor, who has not found much comfort in life.  When she gets a chance to start work at a new college, in a new town, with a tumble-down Victorian house that needs absolutely everything to save it, she finds at last, a reflection of her life and values. Self-expression, I get to explain once again, is its own reward.  It’s a lesson I probably knew from my own childhood, but I certainly heard it loud and clear, as couples all across America showed me how they presented their lives to their families and friends, and served it all up for joyous celebration.

A house becomes another chance to do exactly that.  And I think we’ve all felt the difference between a house, no matter how lovely, and a truly authentic home – one that reflects and enhances the lives lived-well within its walls.  I’m here to cheer you on to make sure that your home is such a reflection. I promise you, it’s not about money or status. Not at all. It’s about taste and style and personal awareness, and confidence and clear-eyed values and thoughtful, intentional design.

To miss these chances of celebration and self-expression is to miss nothing less than the texture of life, and to misunderstand how your unique idea of joy or warmth or beauty is the most important gift you can share.  The only thing, really – only you — no one else –  can give.

I loved writing both of these books, and in retrospect, I recognize how very much alike they are.  Both fiction and nonfiction. Makes sense, I suppose –  and it all supports my theory — the thing they have in common, is uniquely — me.”

Thank you so much Diane for taking time to give us these bits of your wisdom. The italics and bolding above are mine. The point was so lovely and important for us to embrace that I had to make sure you didn’t miss it. I look forward to your next book and please feel free to stop by anytime with more of your thoughts on the richness of midlife.

If you aren’t sure you really know who she is, Lady Gaga that is, here are some of the astounding work stats that will help explain this singer and her recent rise to fame:

• In 18 months she sold 8 millions disks
• She is the only music star to have 4 number one hits come from a single CD or album
• Her debut album, The Fame, earned her 6 Grammy Awards

Oh, and by the way, she is not yet 24.

On the growing up side of life she began playing piano by ear at age 4 and is classically trained in music and the liberal arts. She loves her parents and works hard at “keeping my dream alive and making sure I live my dream through my work” she told Oprah the other day.

So what can we learn from this youngster who wears outrageous costumes both on stage and off? Let me quote another bit of her philosophy as told to Oprah on the Oprah show on Friday. Oprah asked her what her philosophy was, what she wanted people to understand about her, and this is how she answered.

“I want them to free themselves, and I want them to be proud of who they are and celebrate all the things they don’t like about themselves.”

You may think that this is pretty typical stuff from a 20-something who is making a living in ridiculous outfits with not a care in the world for the future. I heard something much different.

In fact she said what I haven’t yet said to the women I speak to, and write to. Classes in weight loss, healthy eating, how to live a vibrant life into old age–those are the surface messages and very important don’t get me wrong. But when I’m stumped to say what I really do, it’s because what I really want to do is free women from the bondage of how they see themselves. I mean see literally and figuratively. We look with critical eyes and find we are not smart enough, young enough, rich enough, brave enough–what else? The list could go on and on.

What I want to say right here and now,in keeping with my new Year’s goal to be authentic and get out of my comfort zone is, thank you Gaga for reminding me of the important message that so many women around the world need–love all of you, get over what’s not, in your eyes, perfect or worse, that you think of as unacceptable. Be proud of who you are regardless of age, shape, gender, persuasion, career, work, kids/no kids, spouse/no spouse. Did I mention age?

Her commitment to live her dream, to ensure that she gets to live it via her shows, her costumes and friends should also be noted. 18 months of following her dream, having the support of people who believed in her and shutting her ears to those who said she was nuts, allows her to live and refine her dream day to day.

What would that feel like–even on a small scale? You may not want to trot around on stage half naked (one reporter commented that she has a hard time remembering to wear a top and a bottom at the same time) with crazy wigs and lots of makeup. You may simply want to take electric guitar lessons, or carve out time to swim, or write. Or, you may have those stage dreams. If any of your yet unattempted dreams are important to you I’ve got a hunch you’ve got to go Gaga in the “free yourself and love yourself” categories before you’ll make those things a priority.

Oprah paraphrased, “The message of Gaga is to be who you are.” Is there a better time than midlife to start?

We all want to look our best right? And economic slow down or not we don’t want to pay more than we have to for the lotions and potions that promise us radiance. If you don’t know Paula Begoun it’s high time you met her. She is a former make up artist with problem skin. After years of learning insider secrets on the marketing message vs what’s truly possible for a product to accomplish–and how much it Should cost–she decided to immerse herself in the truth and do a little truth telling.

Her alter ego is The Cosmetics Cop and her message is this: Lots of expensive skin and hair care products are over priced and there are excellent alternatives. She is the author and publisher of seven best-selling books on the beauty industry, including 

Not only does she have her own line of cosmetics which are super reasonable and full of all the good stuff for skin health. If skin is being treated well it looks better right? Every page of Paula’s extensive line of skin and hair care products is full of testimonials, praise, and thanks. 

I have to add that she is a big supporter of the cosmetics industry for all they do right. She only wants the hype and false hope sold by the marketing departments to be brought to light.

Paula reviews other brands and gives you the honest low down on price vs. ingredients and results right at her website. To have access to the most product info there is  Beautypedia.

This is a membership program which gives you access to Paula’s database of thousands of product reviews. She includes boutique lines to the biggest international companies and plainly tells you which  are good, bad, great, and worth it or not. 

Take a look at some of her videos , her skin, once red and irritated from acne treatments and skin care products is flawlessly beautiful. Does she look like a midlife woman? Absolutely, but one whose skin is cared for and radiant.

If you know and love Paula leave a comment so the newly initiated can hear what you have to say. Hats off to her for taking on the over priced, over hyped world of products we love.

That term, “fat runner” is the author’s by the way, not mine. No one is more critical and willing to call us names than we are. The woman in questions has an essay that appears in this weeks Newsweek  magazine. Her name is Jennifer Graham and the title of her piece is “Confessions of a Fat Runner.”

If you have the time and are someone who works out for reasons other than being thin or you don’t work out because you feel self conscious about how you look, I suggest you read it. She’s a good writer and funny but her point is what is important.

Jennifer describes her body like this: “Most runners are ectomorphs: emaciated and square-jawed. Me, I’m an endomorph, possessed of a soft and thick body that looks as if it was stuffed to order at Build-A-Bear,,  not sculpted at an L.A. sports club. I look so unlike a runner that, when I first started jogging, passing motorists would pull over and ask if I needed a ride.”

But she says that once she is running she ceases to care what anybody thinks and this is the beauty of running–and I’ll add exercising period. 

And the benefit to your heart, lungs, muscles, brain, and the rest of your body is measurably positive.

If, like Jennifer, you realize that “Solidly into middle age, I am more ham than hamstring.” sit not at home upon your throne lamenting how you will look in exercise gear. Do whatever it takes to find comfortable gear, get some music, and treat yourself to the experience of breathing with a vengeance.

Oh and here is a tip from Jennifer for those of you just getting started:  ”try not to run at midday, when the sun is high. Mercilessly, it goes before you and adds 20 pounds to your shadow.

The spirit cries “gazelle.” The shadow yells “walrus.”

One last thing, Jennifer is not under  the misconception that her size 14 self will somehow magically transform into the gazelle she feels like because she runs 10 miles per week. She admits that she eats too much ice cream but is unwilling to give it up. Right on woman, thanks for the example of knowing how to enjoy life and be healthy too!